Well folks, I did it. It took me 6 days of driving, but I made it safe and sound. I experienced many things, met many interesting people, saw some old friends and family, stopped at a lot of bars, and I would like to share some of them with you wonderful readers. Oh, there are peppers involved too.

I started my trip on December 25th, leaving Los Angeles at roughly 8AM. From there I started what would be two of the longer drives of the trip. After paying $4.61 a gallon in gas at Needles, CA, I finally crossed the border into Arizona. It was around 3Pm when it started to get cold out and I discovered a major problem.

The only heat source in my car is a small ceramic heater that I have hooked into my car battery terminal (having had to bypass the broken heater core a few months ago…hey, I thought I was going to be in LA permanently and didn’t think I would need such things as heat in a place that doesn’t get cold), it didn’t warm the car up much, but it did take the edge off. Apparently there is a large hole in my firewall just around the gas peddle that causes cold air to come rushing it as well. In addition to that, cold air also comes in through the vent in front of the windshield. So I bundled up and prepared for the worst.

I arrived in a 5 degree fahrenheit Flagstaff, AZ at around 5:30PM. My feet were literally frozen and had no feeling in them. I hobbled into the hostel, got my room, and unloaded some of my stuff. After a warm up period I went to the local breweries only to find them closed due to Christmas….curses! I hit up the local bars and hit the hay. By 8:30AM on the 26th I was back on the road and I arrived to Lynn’s (Devil Duck) house in Albuquerque, New Mexico at 2:30 PM with frozen feet.

Lynn and I hit the first brewery for some lunch, which consisted of Green Chile Chicken Soup (the recipe can be found right here) and to test out his new sauces (review to be coming soon) on some “willing” locals. After trying the sauce then giving Lynn the death stare, one less heat tolerant local said, “I ought to punch you”. So far so good! We then got myself some foot warmers that insert into your shoes (thanks goes to Lynn’s wife, Kim, for that idea) and headed to the next brewery.

The hospitality of chili heads never ceases to amaze me as I stayed at Lynn (pictured above) and his wife’s place overnight. I left at 10AM the next morning with feet much warmer than the previous day. I reached Texas at around 2PM and discovered another problem.

The fog and mist in the air was starting to freeze up my windshield so, idiotically, I decided to turn my windshield washer on to melt the ice and brush it off. It had the opposite affect, completely covering my windshield with a sheet of opaque ice leaving a small, 6 inch section clear in the bottom left side. I quickly dodged traffic and pulled over on the shoulder. I got out my handy dandy bottle opener and scrapped off enough ice to get to a gas station to buy a scraper.

After stopping to scrape more ice off three times (every 5 minutes), I found myself in Amarillo. I then proceeded to Coyote Bluff for a green chili and Jalapeno covered, authentic Texan stake. Heavenly, just heavenly!

Next I purchased a room for the night at The Big Texan, then proceeded to the closest hole in the wall bar I could find. I must say, some of the nicest people I have ever met reside in Amarillo, Texas. The locals at the bar (pictured below) introduced themselves promptly on my arrival and continued to buy me shots. Something that just does not happen in Los Angeles. I felt right at home.

The next morning I ate breakfast at The Big Texan. A meal that consisted of a huge omelet and potatoes complete with a pico salsa to die for. Then, it was off on the road again.

I reached Coach’s Brewery in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma which is attached to the Bricktown Ballpark at around 3PM. They had placed inside the ballpark a sled/inner tube ride set up that looked like a lot of fun. After a steak and potato meal, a beer sampler and pint, I proceeded to Bricktown Brewery for more fresh brews, and then Tulsa, Oklahoma for the night.

Continuing on my tour the next day I visited my Uncle Harry and Aunt Sharon in St. Louis, slept over in Effingham, Illinois, and stopped off at a horrific brewery in Indinopolis, Indiana. Then it was off to Joe and Linda’s house for some good food, great sauces, and fine Tequila.

Linda made this great meal that was full of flavor and then Joe gave me the tour of the hot sauce trophy cases they have. We proceeded to sample a plethora of sauces and I gave them both “man drops” of Defcon Condition Zero Batch #3 (his best batch in my opinion). I took some picture of Joe and Linda going through the various stages of pain involved in Zero with their camera so they’ll be posting those. Joe had the typical reaction but Linda’s was the best. Joe and I called her “wimp” and “wuss” as she desperately searched for milk to cool the inferno.

Then there was the Tequila tasting. After the second shot of the sweet nectar I knew that I wasn’t going to be driving again that night and settled in for a long night of fun. Shot after shot continued until about midnight when I had to crash. I woke up still a little tipsy the next morning and hit the road around 8AM.

At 11AM on Decmeber 31st I reached my goal, Cleveland, Ohio….”Heeeeeeeere’s Jonny!” I shouted when I arrived on my street and everyone most likely thought, “There goes the neighborhood”. Overall, it was an amazing trip, filled with fun, cold, and Smothers Brothers sing alongs (always have good, happy music that you can turn to when your brain gets bored). So, in closing I would like to share with you what I learned on my trip across America. Happy trails and I’ll be posting a Review of Zane and Zack’s new product next.

Things I Learned On My Trip:

1. The cut off point for mass pepper lovers is in Texas.
2. Hole in the wall bars are always the best.
3. If you don’t like ugly people, for god sakes don’t stop in Tulsa, Oklahoma (sorry guys, but its true).
4. In the winter, heaters in the car are an important thing.
5. When you don’t have a heater in you car, a good winter jacket, gloves, hat, and shoe warmers can save your butt.
6. You really don’t notice how unfriendly people are in Los Angeles until you leave it.
7. Based on that, I’ve met some of the friendliest people in Amarillo, Texas.
8. If you don’t plan out the bars in advance, look for a hole in the wall bar. You’ll find happiness there.
9. Most motels have smoke free rooms. Very few have pet free rooms.
10. Just because you bought a $100 car, doesn’t mean it won’t get you 3,000 plus miles.
11. Never underestimate the amount of laughter a good dead baby joke will bring you.
12. Always carry hot sauce with you. Always.
13. Country music rules everywhere in the South…ugh….
14. Red necks are starting to spread outside of their native land of the South East.
15. Plan things out but go with the flow.
16. Cruise control is your best friend.
17. You will need your radio for some distraction on these long halls.
18. If your radio dies, don’t freak out, it’s just a loose wire.
19. I really can’t think of another thing for 19.
20. Same thing for number 20.