A little back story is necessary here. Defcon Sauces’ (makers of the best wing sauces on this planet) little helpers are the ever so mischievous Homunculi. They are the little life forms that bring the heat to his products and help to convert the masses into Defcon acolytes. According to Defcon himself, “Actually, The Homunculus were originally created by Alchemists to basically help him in the lab. Ours however, through self-training, have begun the mastery of suggestion and limited mind control. This is why when people open their Defcon shipments, they don’t notice a few of them emerging from the box and taking up residence within their homes. It’s just another facet of our Global Assimilation mission”.

About two years ago a female Homunculus was stolen (or maybe it went willingly….we’ll never know) from Defcon’s display by someone from the Hot Sauce Blog. It was then sent on a whirl wind tour the likes of which The Roaming Gnome will never see. Jumping from chili-head to chili-head, this little girl’s journey was chronicled on HSB. She even suffered a horrific accident which left two decent sized scars.

Eventually the guys over at Taste The Fear got their hands on her and had their fun passing her around. Coming home from last years Weekend of Fire, I heard some muffled sounds coming from the trunk of my car so I pulled over to investigate. Before I got out, I heard the sound of a beer bottle opening and knew something was up. I opened the trunk to find that the roaming Homunculus had found it’s way into my life and was downing my stash of Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPAs!!!

The first thing she wanted to do when we got back to Cleveland was hit up the bar. We then went to the best bar in Cleveland, La Cave Du Vin where we pounded some of the finest beers this world has to offer.

Once we got home and slept off the booze, I noticed the horrific scars that her accident left and figured I could do something about that. I got out my tools and went to work. A grueling 10 hour surgery ensued and a 10 day recovery period followed. But after words, she looked wonderful!

So wonderful, that she wanted to tag along with me when I made my trip out to The Fiery Foods Festival at The North Market. There we sampled chili and hot sauce after hot sauce. She really has a high heat tolerance, but I guess I should have expected that from a little creature that is constantly ablaze with the fire of a thousand suns.

While there, we hit up two breweries, Barley’s and Gordon Biersch. We all got the sample flight and enjoyed what each beer had to offer. But soon, the night was closing in and I had to pack up to go.

I looked around and to my horror, the Homunculus had LEFT ME!!! I felt betrayed. What of all the fun times we had? The laughs, the late night drunken instant messages to Defcon? I knew it wasn’t going to last but she left without even saying thanks for all the fish. As I reached into my pocket I felt something. “What’s this?” I asked as some guy looked at me strangely for talking to myself.

It was a bottle of the newest Batch of Defcon ZERO!!! She didn’t forget me!!! My heart jumped for joy as I sampled of the wondrous liquid contained within the vial. As I heat overtook me and ushered me into a blissful endorphin rush, my thoughts fell upon the little creature that had briefly brought so much joy into my life. I wondered if I would ever see her again. Yes, I think I will. Maybe she’ll appear on Taste The Fear soon, maybe.