A cold chill rolled through the town of Fairfield, Ohio late night August 2nd, 2008. Birds mysteriously stopped chirping, frogs rained down from the heavens, the earth shook, and a slow, billowing smoke appeared backlight by flashes of lighting. At that moment, the inhabitants of the small town knew the Defcon Deathmatch was about to begin.
Contestants were given their official Defcon shirts to prevent any toxic stains on the ones they were wearing. They were seated at a long square table which was roped off with a biohazard labeled tape.
Short Bus Rider Blane came prepared with head gear.
Future Ruler of the Earth, Defcon, with cigarette in mouth explained the rules through a megaphone. You must eat your allotted amount of wings within 4 minutes. Then you get a short break to drink what ever you want. After that you have to sit with you hands on the table and not lift them for 5 minutes. The person who finished the wings first and completes said tasks will win the trophy and a myriad of prizes.
The Createss shows off the trophy.
The contestants at the table of virtue.
At this point most people were really trying to psyche themselves up for the battle. The wings were brought out and Defcon prepped the concoction. The amounts were kept secret but the ingredients were not, Defcon Defense Condition 1 mixed with Defcon DM MKII and a very large bottle of Defcon ZERO. Only the hardened chili head knew what pain awaited the contestants.
Evil has a name and it is John Dilley.
The wings were passed out and extra sauce was poured all over them. Then, the starting bell rang and like good little carnivores, people started to devour the molten poultry in front of them.
This is going to hurt folks.
HUDD (2nd from left) consumes.
The first one done was Steve Salmon and after him, contestant after contestant picked up their pace. There was one contestant that took a single bite of his wing and left the table immediately. Most people call that smart, we chili-heads call it chickening out.
Steve raising his hand showing he’s finished.
The four minutes flew by as everyone pointed and watched as the wings disappeared. One contestant (the only one to be exact) actually stripped the bones clean. Not one single bit of meat nor sauce remained on the bone. After everything was finished he was gifted $50 for the feat.
A lone beer waits to be consumed.
Then came the two minute break in which the contestants were allowed to drink anything they wanted to attempt to kill the heat. No one succeeded and no one brought milk (the secret weapon). Now it was off to the five minute hands down period. That’s right, you couldn’t lift you hand off the table for five whole minutes. No wiping the snot from your nose, no dabbing the sauce off your mouth with a napkin, nothing but riding the endorphin rush brought on by intense capsaicin induced pain.
Some seemed to be enjoying the rush a bit too much.
When the dust settled the winner was announce, Steve “Iron Tongue” Salmon (yes, that’s just a nickname I threw in there) was announced as the winner! Second and third place prizes were also handed out.
Steve with his well deserved trophy.
I caught up with Steve the next day at the convention. Apparently, his stomach was still hurting from the event the night before. Hats off to all these brave people who partook. So ends today’s festivities and be sure to stay tuned for the next installment of Passow’s Weekend of Fire!